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- 1 On Party Etiquette. “I believe that you can learn something in every situation. Like last summer, I was at a party, and I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.
- 2 On Treehouses. “A treehouse is really insensitive. That’s like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.” Advertisement.
- 3 On Pets. “It seems like there’s a fine line between having a pet and having a hostage from a different species. You go to somebody’s house: ‘Close the door, he’ll get out!
- 4 On Graffiti. “I don’t like graffiti — unless it teaches me something. Like, ‘Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known that.’ Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is.
- Lucas Holden
- "I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." It's all fun and games until you realize the rimer ran out and they're still "acting."
- "Pets are animals that are not delicious." These don't taste good, so instead we'll give them sweaters and names.
- "I find that athletic clothes are perfect for just sitting around in." Most people don't break a sweat in sweatpants.
- "I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better." Hey, where'd that rabbit come from?
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I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. ~ Demetri Martin. The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. ~ Demetri Martin. Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden. ~ Demetri Martin. When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. ~ Demetri Mar...
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. ~ Demetri Martin. Most stick people are black. ~ Demetri Martin. I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille. ~ Demetri Martin. A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day. ~ Demetri Martin. Never be less interesting than your refrige...
When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I’m weird. What kind of one way street is that? ~ Demetri Martin. The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. ~ Demetri Martin. If I had a bookstore ...
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer. ~ Demetri Martin. At the battle of the bands the loser’s always the audience. ~ Demetri Martin. A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. ~ Demetri Martin. I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia. ~ Demetri Martin. I saw a...
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I’m going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. ~ Demetri Martin. When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’ ~ Demetri Martin. Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric. ~ Demetri Martin. I ordered a wa...
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. ~ Demetri Martin. I think it’s cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend. ~ Demetri Martin. A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘He...
The sofa is the enemy of productivity. ~ Demetri Martin. Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that’s actually called a Queen. ~ Demetri Martin. If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit. ~ Demetri Martin. If you h...
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that’s what makes life hopeful. ~ Demetri Martin. The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge. ~ Demetri Martin. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. ~ Demetri Martin. The earth without art is just eh. ~ ...
I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. ~ Demetri Martin. I don’t have to kill myself, time is going to do that. ~ Demetri Martin. It’s Thursday and it really fee...
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. ~ Demetri Martin. Separate but equal is terrible for education but it’s perfect for eyebrows. ~ Demetri Martin. I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location. ~ Demetri Martin....
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Aug 10, 2018 · Rounding up the best jokes from Demetri Martin’s new Netflix comedy special The Overthinker, which cover everything from robots to doughnut holes to sports bars.
- Isaac Kozell
- Contributor
Demetri Martin, known for his deadpan delivery and intellectual humor, has a knack for turning the mundane into the absurdly funny. His one-liners, puns, and clever observations have left audiences in stitches. In this collection, we delve into some of Demetri Martin ‘s most hilarious jokes that offer a unique perspective on everyday life.
I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'. Enjoy the best Demetri Martin Quotes at BrainyQuote. Quotations by Demetri Martin, American Comedian, Born May 25, 1973. Share with your friends.
