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- The Employment Turnover of the Credits. “We apologize again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.”
- Weight Ratios and the Humble Swallow. “Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?” – Soldier. One of Monty Python’s calling card joke constructions is presenting an absurdity and then allowing a few characters to nitpick it to death with over-informed logic.
- Bring Out Your Dead. “I’m not dead” – Carried Man. Often misremembered as “I’m not quite dead” or “I’m not dead yet,” the old man protesting his placement on the plague cart is a deliciously dark joke done with great sincerity.
- Debating Government with the Common Folk. “Well, I didn’t vote for you.” – Peasant Woman to King Arthur. Is England a monarchy? A dictatorship? An autonomous collective?
Bring out your dead! CUSTOMER: Here's one. CART MASTER: Nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! CART MASTER: What? CUSTOMER: Nothing. Here's your nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! CART MASTER: 'Ere. He says he's not dead! CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
- Coconuts
- Bring Out Your Dead
- Must Be A King
- A Self-Perpetuating Autocracy
- The Black Knight
- Turned Me Into A Newt
- French Taunts
- Knights Who Say Ni
- It's A Silly Place
- Three Questions
Guard: Halt! Who goes there?King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!Guard: Pull the other one!King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord a...Guard: What? Ridden on a horse?King Arthur: Yes!Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead![A large man appears with a (seemingly) dead man over his shoulder]Large Man: Here's one.Dead Collector: Nine pence."Dead" Man: I'm not dead.Dead Collector: What?[Arthur and Patsy "ride" through the village]Large Man: Who's that then?Dead Collector: I dunno. Must be a king.Large Man: Why?Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.King Arthur: Old woman! Dennis: Man. King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? Dennis: I'm 37. King Arthur: What? Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old. King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man". Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis". King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis. Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, ...
[King Arthur and Patsy have just witnessed a black knight defeat a green one and approach the victor]King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir Knight. [The Black Knight looks at him in Silence] I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [The Black Knight doesn't respond as Arthur looks at P...Black Knight: None shall pass.King Arthur: What?Black Knight: None shall pass!King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you good Sir Knight, But I must cross this bridge.Bedevere: How do you know she is a witch?Peasant: She looks like one.[Crowd indistinctly shouts]Bedevere: Bring her forward!Girl: I'm not a witch.Bedevere: But you are dressed as one...Frenchman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n...Sir Galahad: What a strange person.King Arthur: Now, look here, my good man--Frenchman: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?Frenchman: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!Head Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!King Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--Knights who say Ni: NI! NI! NI! NI!King Arthur: Oh, ow!Head Knight: We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us.King Arthur: Well, what do you want?Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege! [trumpets blare to a shot of a castle]King Arthur: [awed]Camelot!Sir Galahad: Camelot!Sir Lancelot: Camelot!Patsy: It's only a model.King Arthur: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot![The knights look onward as Sir Lancelot steps forward to the Bridge keeper from Scene 24]Bridgekeeper:Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.Sir Lancelot:Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.Bridgekeeper:What... is your name?Sir Lancelot:My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.Bridgekeeper:What... is your quest?
