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- “I’m going to court next week. I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case. 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant …I don’t think they did it.
- “I tried to hang myself with bungee cord… Kept almost dying.” Advertisement.
- “I was walking down the street, there was a sign stapled to a telephone pole that said: Reward, lost $50. If found, just keep it”
- “So I was laying in bed with my girlfriend reading the second hand diary that I bought… ‘I don't remember this.’ She said, “Let me ask you a question: If you could know how and when you were gonna die would you want to know?’
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20 of Steven Wright's Funniest Jokes. Don't get too excited, but today is the deadpan comedian's 61st birthday. To celebrate, here are 20 of his funniest jokes. 1. "It's a small world,...
- Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners
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- Funny Inspirational Quotes by Comedian Steven Wright
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“7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.” – Steven Wright “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright “A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.” – Steven Wright “A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.” – Steven Wright “All those who believe in psychokinesis rai...
“A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, ‘Why were you going so fast?’ I said, ‘See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.’” – Steven Wright “A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the...
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright “Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.” – Steven Wright “The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.” – Steven Wright “The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.” – Steven Wright “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to ste...
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- "You can't have everything. Where would you put it? " Even if you had a bag that was big enough to put everything else inside of it, where would you put that bag?
- "I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. " Steven Wright has several jokes about sci-fi-esque ramifications that come from making copies, but this is easily my favorite.
- "It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. " This winner of a joke is the equivalent of saying, "Look, a dead bird!"
- "I lost a buttonhole." My personal all-time favorite Steven Wright one-liner. Like a two-sentence horror story, it's all about the brevity, and he earns all the slow claps here.
Jun 7, 2024 · Steven Wright has talked about Salvador Dali being one of his heroes (via the Phoenix New Times) “I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people...
Jan 14, 2020 · Read Some of the Funniest Steven Wright Jokes. Here are some gems of humor from the famous comedian. These Steven Wright jokes are great conversation starters. I have seen many of these lines used as ice-breakers in training sessions, speeches, and Facebook status updates.
Jul 29, 2019 · There are plenty of funny Steven Wright jokes on this list. Which one has you rolling on the floor laughing the hardest? All comedy fans are encouraged to vote for their favorites so that the cream of the crop can rise to the top.
