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What happens if a child gets divorced?
What should parents do during a divorce?
Does divorce affect children of all ages?
How do children react to a divorce?
- Anxiety, worry, and fear. The uncertainty of how life will change causes stress. Children may fear losing a parent or moving from the neighborhood. Reassure them about what will change and what will stay the same, but don’t make promises that you may not be able to keep.
- Anger. Children may blame you, your spouse, or both of you for “breaking up our family.” They may be frustrated that they have no control over the decisions that you and your spouse will make.
- Sadness and grief. For children, the upset and sadness can be overwhelming as they grieve the loss of the intact family structure. They may struggle to adjust to the changes as you and your spouse share parenting time.
- Confusion, guilt, and self-blame. Young children may be especially confused as they cannot understand the reasons for the divorce or what it means for them.
- Overview
- Under age 3
- Preschool (3–5)
- Elementary school age (6–12)
- Teenagers
- The takeaway
Divorce is hard on everyone. Whether you’re 32 years old or just 2, whether you’re one-half of the once happily married couple or the product of that happy union, divorce isn’t something you typically expect or plan for. And yet, hundreds of thousands of couples split each year in the United States.
And if you have kids, their well-being is probably one of your primary concerns. Is there a particular age at which divorce is most traumatic for children? Should you try to make it work “for the kids” until they’re old enough to understand?
“Don’t worry. They won’t remember it.”
There’s a popular misconception that memory starts at 3. However, researchers have found that memory likely starts earlier, but until we’re older, it’s more like a video that’s constantly being recorded over.
In one eye-opening 2011 study, children as young as 4 were asked to recall their earliest three memories. They were then asked 2 years later to do the same and were also asked about the initial memories they’d brought up in the first interview.
Researchers found that children could remember things from quite early in their lives, but these memories weren’t retained in the youngest ones. Instead, in the second interview, they would recall memories from months later and might even deny experiencing what they brought up in the initial interview.
In other words, your 3-year-old may indeed remember Mom and Dad fighting when they were 2. It might make them upset to recall such incidents. But by the time they’re a little older, they may have no recollection of these fights.
Does that mean babies and toddlers aren’t affected by divorce? Unfortunately, no. Trauma that happens before we reach preschool age can definitely leave its mark. Babies or toddlers who have lived for months or years with two loving and attentive parents may react to divorce by:
Between the ages of 3 and 5, children are developing more of an understanding of the abstract. They’re asking lots of questions and figuring out how they fit into the world around them.
That doesn’t mean they understand the concept of divorce. In fact, they’re likely relying heavily on the security and stability of their parents’ presence as they branch out into new and unknown experiences and feelings.
But if the parents are fighting, children this age may feel strongly that their world is being rocked in scary ways. A sense that all isn’t OK with their parents may lead your child to react with crying, fear, and innocent insistence that you just stop fighting and go back to the “way you were.”
Preschoolers may also feel that things are their fault. They may have trouble sleeping or want more control. They’re likely dealing with so many emotions that they really don’t know how to sort.
Things may actually improve after the divorce itself, when stability returns to the home(s).
The trauma of the events before the divorce can leave lasting memories and confusing emotions. But once a routine is established, your little one can start to feel in control again — even if all they talk about for a while is you and their other parent getting back together.
This is arguably the toughest age for children to deal with the separation or divorce of their parents.
That’s because they’re old enough to remember the good times (or good feelings) from when you were a united family. They’re also old enough to understand more complex feelings around conflict and fault, though not fully.
You may hear questions like:
•If you love me, why can’t you stay together?
•What did I do?
•Is this because I don’t always do what I’m told?
By the time your kids are teenagers, they’re much more likely to understand the underlying feelings that lead to divorce or separation.
In fact, if home life is in turmoil, they may even see the final split as a relief and gain a sense of resolution. They’re also less likely to feel like they’re at fault for the divorce or that togetherness at any cost is best.
Teenagers are often self-centered, but unlike elementary age kids, their world more typically revolves around their life outside the home. So they don’t question their parents’ love for them as much as they just want to get on with their lives.
They may worry about how the divorce will affect their social situation (e.g., whether they’ll have to move away from their friends) and may idealize the past. But they can recognize divorce as having the potential to make things better.
In general, acceptance comes more readily. But remember that your teenager — especially your younger teen — is still a child who hasn’t fully matured in their thinking. Be sure you have the tools in place to help them cope with a new reality. You may want to let their teachers know about the transition.
Talk honestly with your teen about their thoughts and feelings. Listen. Ask them if they want to talk with a counselor.
Divorce isn’t easy for people of any age, and it can have lasting impacts on your children — and you.
Don’t forget that in all this, your kiddos need you, so you need to take care of yourself. See a therapist with divorce experience, lean on friends and family, and join online or in-person support groups. Self-care is especially important.
And while parental separation can cause trauma, so can turmoil in the home. If you’re wondering if you should stick it out until your kid is 18, ask yourself about the home environment:
•Is it healthy for you and your children?
•Is reconciliation possible?
•Are you and your partner open to marriage counseling?
Dec 22, 2022 · Experiencing a parental divorce is very common, as anywhere from 40% to 50% of marriages do not last. In fact, one study found that only around 45% of children whose parents were married at or around the time of their birth reach age 17 with their parents still married.
- Sarah Vanbuskirk
Dec 22, 2022 · Divorce may increase the risk for mental health problems in children and adolescents. Regardless of age, gender, and culture, children of divorced parents experience increased psychological problems. Divorce may trigger an adjustment disorder in children that resolves within a few months.
Feb 5, 2024 · Parenting. Children and Divorce. For children, separation and divorce can be an especially sad, stressful, and confusing time. But there are ways to help your kids cope with the upheaval of a breakup. Helping your child through a divorce.
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May 15, 2024 · When parents get divorced, one of their biggest jobs is to make sure the kids are okay. Kids react to divorce in different ways. They might feel like they’ve done something to cause the divorce. They might feel anxious. They might withdraw or act out. These are all totally normal reactions.
May 7, 2020 · 1. They feel angry. Kids may feel angry about divorce. If you think about it, it makes sense. Their whole world is changing — and they don’t necessarily have much input. Anger can strike at any...
