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Dec 10, 2022 · In short, a bad friend is someone who is stressful or exhausting to be around. They may be: Overly competitive with you. Likely to encourage bad behaviors. Unreliable. Combative...
- Overview
- How Can You Tell If a Friend Is Toxic?
- Wait, Could the Toxic Friend Be Me?
- How Toxic Friendships Can Impact Our Mental Health
- How to Deal With Toxic Friends
- What This Means for You
Friendships can be one of our greatest sources of joy in life, giving us outlets for our thoughts and feelings and making us feel seen and cared for. Quality friendships are important to our overall wellness, increasing our satisfaction in our lives.
On the other hand, friendships can also be a huge source of stress, particularly when what you give and what you get don't align. That impacts our health negatively, as much as great relationships do positively.
The word "toxic" is thrown around a lot these days, used as an insult whenever a person disapproves of someone else's behavior. But the truth is that some friendships are, indeed, toxic. "Toxic behaviors are ways of acting that demean or gaslight others and generally make them feel bad about themselves and your relationship," says Dr. Patrice Le Goy.
How can you tell if you're in a toxic friendship, and what should you do about it? Here are the signs to look out for.
They Behave Selfishly
Le Goy explains that "toxic friends may only focus on themselves and their needs, and do not ask about you or ensure your needs are met." This is pretty straightforward: How much time in each hangout or call is spent on them, rather than you? Life in general should be 50:50 with friends, not always focused on one person or the other.
They're Critical of You
Do you feel like whenever you talk to your friend, they have something negative to say about you? This could be criticism of your behavior, your appearance, your relationship, your performance at work, your family, or any other element of your life. Friends are meant to uplift you, not cause you to worry you aren't good enough. How Not to Take Things Too Personally
They're Too Competitive
Friendship isn't meant to have a winner! Rather, the point of friendship is support, and friends should want you to do well. If your friend behaves jealously when you tell them good news you've received, or if they constantly point out areas where they are doing better in life, those are toxic behaviors.
Of course, before we decide our friend is the problem we should be sure that's the case. "Generally, it is easier to notice the faults in other people, rather than recognizing areas we ourselves can improve," says Le Goy. Because of this, you should take a moment to reflect on whether your friend is toxic or you are—as difficult as that may be.
Le Goy explains that the most straightforward way to do that is to reflect on the other relationships in your life, outside of this one. "A good way to recognize if you are the problem or if it is the other person is to consider how healthy your other relationships are. If you generally have positive, trusting relationships and only major issues with one person, they are likely the issue" she suggests.
If you find that most of your friendships are brief in duration, end on bad terms, or remain on the surface level altogether, you may be the one exhibiting toxic behavior.
— DR. PATRICE LE GOY
It should be no surprise that toxic friendships are bad for us and can cause us harm. "Toxic friendships can be so damaging to our mental health," says Le Goy. She notes that humans are hardwired to seek connection and close relationships with supporting, loving people.
She says that even once we know our friendship is toxic, we still might hang on to it. We might feel loyal to our friend because they were decent in the past, or perhaps they've manipulated us into thinking that no one will have our backs as well as they do—even if their version of that isn't as great as they make it sound.
Fair warning: Dealing with a toxic friend is not likely to go smoothly. The fact that your friend has already exhibited significant enough toxic behavior for you to want to end the friendship means that they probably aren't going to take any actions well. Whether you try to confront them or straight up distance yourself from the relationship, they're unlikely to let this go quietly.
"You may hope to end the friendship in an open and honest way, but that is not always possible," says Le Goy. She explains, "for example, if your friend is a narcissist, they may be unwilling to accept that they are the problem and they may even try to charm their way back into your good graces. Other types of toxic friends may attempt to turn others against you."
Knowing that it may be hard doesn't mean you should remain inactive. You may want to end the relationship, or you may wish to give your friend a chance to make amends first. Whichever approach you take, be protective of your emotional wellness.
If you know that your friend doesn't always have your best interest at heart, be sure to keep that in mind as you move through this process.
Confronting a toxic friend about their behavior gives them an opportunity to improve, should you feel they deserve one, and cutting one out of your life makes space for your other, more loving friends to be closer to you. "You owe yourself the space to develop safe and healthy friendships more than you owe a toxic friend multiple opportunities to treat you poorly," says Le Goy.
What to do if your friend doesn't own up to their behavior? "If they don’t respect your decision to end the relationship, then you may have to accept that and move on without closure. Also, not respecting your decision might be the confirmation that you need that the friendship is toxic," she says.
Life is hard enough with great friends, let alone bad ones, and having friends who bring you down simply isn't worth your time or energy. With these tips, you can move forward to migrate away from the toxic behaviors of others, and have more room for friends who will treat you with kindness and love.
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
1.Amati V, Meggiolaro S, Rivellini G, Zaccarin S. Social relations and life satisfaction: the role of friends. Genus. 2018;74(1):7.
A good friend having a bad day might snap at you or seem distant, but they’ll likely apologize once things settle down. Toxic friends, on the other hand, tend to follow a pattern that never...
- You find yourself in a competition with her other “best friends.” What? Her other best friend gives her more? Does fun things you can’t? Has things in common with her that you would never want?
- There’s an imbalance in talk time—all for the friend, none for you. You call her and she tells you about how lousy her day has been, or how great her day was.
- Your best friend blurts out criticism with a self-righteous attitude. Honesty is important in any relationship. But what happened to kindness? What’s this idea about brutal truth being something to aspire to?
- Who calls whom? Are you calling or texting her far more often than she reaches out to you? Do you feel like you’re more interested in talking and getting together than she is?
- You always manage to steer the conversation back to yourself. When your friend starts to open up about their promotion at work or the new person they’re dating, you never fail to find a way to steer the discussion back to you.
- You commit to plans, already knowing you’re going to back out. Life happens, things come up and plans get canceled — that’s understandable. But if you have a habit of saying “yes” to that wine tasting trip or to helping them move, when you actually mean “no,” it’s inconsiderate.
- You’re good at making friends, but not keeping them. “You are outgoing, friendly and well-liked, able to easily make friends but not able to make the friendship last or go deeper,” Levine said.
- You’re never the one to initiate plans or check in first. In friendships, it’s not unusual for some people to be the planners, while others tend to just go with the flow.
Jun 21, 2023 · A toxic friend can end up doing more harm to you than good. Here are five ways to tell: 1. They are frequently ignoring your boundaries. One way to tell if a friend is toxic is if they...
Dec 20, 2022 · 1. They don't respect your boundaries. Good friends understand and respect boundaries, and according to Nuñez, a person who continually ignores the boundaries you set is likely toxic. While this can happen in the form of someone deliberately disrespecting and crossing your boundaries, therapist Anna Marchenko, LMHC, Ed.M., says a lack of ...
