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Can I get Over my Ex after a breakup?
How do you get over an ex that you still love?
Can you get over your ex?
What should I do if my ex is not in contact?
- You're focused solely on positive memories. It's called euphoric recall, explains Patrick Wanis, Ph.D., a human behavior expert and author of Get Over Your Ex Now!
- You truly think the ex was the best you could get. A main reason some people struggle to move on from their ex is idealization, counselor Sheryl Paul, M.A., tells mbg.
- You secretly think that you should suffer. If you have unresolved negative beliefs stemming from your past, whether those come from emotionally immature parents or other ex-partners, Chong says you may be stuck in the mindset that you deserve to suffer and are inadvertently prolonging your own healing process post-breakup.
- You still follow your ex on social media or maintain contact with them. "If you still maintain contact with your ex and/or follow them on social media, it can be a constant reminder of what you lost," licensed clinical psychologist Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D., tells mbg.
- Overview
- You still see your ex in person or on social medi
- You feel lonely and don’t like being singl
- Your ex is familiar territor
- You’re only holding onto the good memorie
- You’re idealizing your e
- You’re forcing yourself to keep sufferin
- The relationship weakened your self-confidenc
- You put too much energy into the relationshi
- You feel guilty for not “fixing” your e
Breakups are never easy, and getting over them takes time, but make no mistake: you can do it. If you’re having trouble getting over your ex—even weeks or months after the breakup—then understanding the possible reasons can help you finally put it behind you and move on. So, we’re here to help! Read on to discover why you may not be able to get over your ex, along with tips on how to overcome each one.
This article is based on an interview with our certified psychiatrist and clinical instructor, Kirsten Thompson, founder of Remedy Psychiatry.
Check out the full interview here.
You may have trouble getting over your ex if you still see them often (either in person or via social media). Loneliness can also affect your ability to move on.
You may struggle with idealizing your ex or only remembering the best of the old relationship while forgetting the issues that led to the breakup.
If the relationship was toxic, you may be struggling with your sense of identity or self-confidence.
Having a constant reminder of your ex makes it tough to get over them.
Seeing your ex after the breakup, whether you maintain direct contact with them or follow their social media posts, often heightens the heartache you feel. You’ll remember the breakup and what you lost to it every time you see them. Your hopes of reconciliation may also increase, making it even harder to move on.
be friends with an ex
if that’s really what you want, but directly after a breakup, try to
for at least a month.
You need time to yourself to properly get over the breakup before you start seeing your ex again. It’s natural to miss them, but giving yourself space is an incredibly effective gift that will finally allow you to get over them.
Fear of being alone makes you likely to fixate on old relationships.
Feeling lonely is totally normal in the wake of a breakup; the memory of being with somebody is still fresh in your mind. However, loneliness or outright fear of being single can also make you tempted to dive back into an old relationship just to feel less alone—even if your ex ultimately wasn’t right for you.
The key to conquering your loneliness is
in the aftermath of a breakup. Get back into your old hobbies if you let them slide, or pick up a few new interests you’ve always wanted to try!
Sticking with your ex may feel easier than meeting someone new.
After dating your ex for a while, you form a bond with them that feels safe and familiar—which makes letting go and forming an entirely new connection feel like quite the chore. You might be struggling to get over your ex because they’re familiar, and striking out into the unknown feels risky or daunting.
Remember that there’s a difference between “familiar” and “comfortable.” Just because your ex feels familiar, doesn’t mean they’re the only person who can make you feel comfortable and accepted for exactly who you are.
Don’t let familiarity stop you from moving past a relationship that wasn’t right for you. It’ll take time, but you are more than capable of finding someone truly worthy of you!
It’s easy to overlook your ex’s faults if you focus on good memories.
Remember the old phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Well, it’s true: being apart from your ex makes it easier for your mind to recall the best aspects of the relationship, ignoring all the factors that led to the breakup. Ultimately, focusing on only good memories makes it harder to move on.
If you find yourself focusing on the silver lining of your past relationship, remind yourself that you broke up for a reason. Recall the negative aspects of the relationship as well as the positive.
Even if you get back together one day, ignoring the bad parts of your old relationship won’t help. You’ll need to understand where you two struggled in order to work through those issues together in the future!
Finding new love is tougher if you’re convinced your ex was the best.
In some relationships, you may end up idealizing your partner—meaning you believe they’re the perfect person for you, and nobody will ever measure up. After a breakup, it’s hard to let an ex go if you believe they’re the best you’ll ever do. You may even end up blaming yourself and thinking you weren’t good enough, even though it’s untrue.
The truth is, it’s a big world out there! Even the best relationships may not work out for any number of reasons, but it should never stop you from finding new love and growing as a person.
Idealizing your ex is a self-defeating attitude; telling yourself that they’re the only one for you closes off your mind to the idea of a better romance someday. Stay open to the infinite possibilities in front of you!
It takes longer to heal if you secretly believe you deserve to suffer.
If you have any unresolved issues caused by other exes, you might blame yourself for the breakup and punish yourself with continuous pain. On the other hand, you might be afraid of losing the relationship entirely if you let go of the pain you feel. Either way, unnecessary suffering only makes breakups harder.
after going through a breakup. Understand that whatever happened, you don’t deserve to be your own worst enemy.
Spend more time on self-care
in the wake of the breakup. Suffering won’t bring the relationship back or help you in any way, so why do it?
When it comes to moving on from an ex, what is the biggest challenge you face?
If your relationship was toxic, it can deeply affect your self-esteem.
If a partner is emotionally abusive, putting you down and shaming you, it can make you crave their validation all the more. After a breakup, their bad behavior may have left your self-confidence in shreds, yet you don’t have them around to give you validation, making it hard to get over them.
Remind yourself that you’re the strong one for getting out of that relationship. Just being here, free of your toxic ex, is a huge accomplishment!
Become your own internal source of validation. Take time after the breakup to
Healing may take longer after a toxic, energy-draining relationship.
Another common trait of toxic relationships is that they’re utterly exhausting. The more effort you put into keeping the relationship going, the more energy you lose. In the wake of a breakup, it can be hard to come to terms with the energy you invested in that relationship; you may feel like you wasted months or years of your life on it.
Try to see things from a healthier perspective. Breakups are painful, but they’re also meant to be opportunities for growth.
You now understand more about what you need from a relationship and what you don’t, and you can carry this knowledge into future relationships—which will be much healthier for you as a result!
If your ex had issues you tried to fix, things might feel unfinished to you.
In some cases, relationships can be toxic if an ex is dealing with unresolved trauma or mental health issues. As an empathic person, you may see a toxic ex as a victim rather than a person responsible for their bad behavior and assume it's your duty to "fix" them. As a result, you might start feeling guilty if things don’t work out.
Try to let go of your guilt. Your ex’s troubles are not your fault, and their behavior is not your responsibility.
Remember: at the end of the day, you can give a person love and support, but only they can make the decision to get help and work through their issues. If your ex didn’t do that, it has nothing to do with you.
Jan 30, 2024 · Struggling to move on? Explore the reasons why you can’t get over your ex, and learn to deal with lingering memories and unresolved emotions.
- Erica Sloan
- Cut off contact. Do this at least for a little while. No, you do not need to be friends. Keeping an ex in your life is not by itself a sign of maturity; knowing how to take care of yourself and your emotional well-being is.
- Let go of the fantasy. Many people don’t realize that a large majority of the pain they experience during a break-up has nothing to do with the relationship they really had.
- Make peace with the past. Relationships Essential Reads. Is Your Relationship Heading Down a Spiral of Loss? 5 Signs of an Emotionally Immature Partner.
- Know it is OK to still love them. Love is never wrong. When someone comes into your life who allows you the opportunity to experience love, that is always a true gift.
- Because there’s no timeline for heartache. Researchers have tried again and again to answer: How long does it take to get over a breakup? In short, research shows it depends.
- Because a breakup triggers unpleasant feelings about ourselves. Getting over a breakup is a unique experience for all of us, says Michelle Hagen, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Cerebral.
- Because you’re blaming yourself. Rumination is also very common after a breakup, Hagen says. Rumination refers to engaging in repetitive thinking or continuously focusing on the negative feelings and distress.
- Because you’re caught up in good memories. It’s not just ruminating over negative emotions that can keep you feeling stuck. “Euphoric recall” is a tendency to only remember the good times—and it’s a coping mechanism that triggers the reward centers of our brain, similar to the same brain patterns that occur when an individual satisfies an addiction.
Sep 30, 2018 · This is because breakups can trigger hidden grief and cause irrational guilt, anger, shame, and fear. Working through the below issues can help you let go and move on. Many of these issues are ...
Feb 1, 2024 · Parting ways with someone you've loved deeply is heartbreaking, so if you want to get over them, here are a few steps you can take, according to experts.
