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- What lies do to a marriage doesn’t just stop at not talking about our feelings. It also includes hiding the bad things about ourselves. Then, the more we cover up and create lies to make up for our weaknesses, the more we lose touch with who we are. Over time, this creates a distance and resentment between both.
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Jan 31, 2018 · 1. They block real intimacy with a partner. Intimacy is based on trust and authenticity — the ability to be vulnerable or “naked,” not only physically, but also emotionally. 2. They lead to...
- Overview
- Why People Lie In Relationships
- Signs of Deception in a Relationship
- Impact of Deception on a Relationship
- How to Deal With Lying in a Relationship
- Should You Confront Deception in a Relationship?
- Should You Forgive Your Partner?
- When to Leave a Lying Partner
- A Word From Verywell
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Signs of deception in a relationship can include behaviors, body language, and other cues. Nearly everyone lies from time to time, and lying out of consideration may even help protect someone else’s feelings or keep stability in your relationship. However, excessive or destructive lying can irreparably harm your relationship with your spouse.
What is deception in a relationship? Deception in a relationship can involve behaviors such as making vague statements, only telling half the truth, minimizing facts, withholding information, or telling outright lies.
Knowing how to spot a liar in a relationship can be a useful skill. However, detecting a lie isn't easy. Your own suspicions can get in the way of getting to the truth. Know the signs that you are being lied to, and what you can do if you think your spouse is lying to you.
Press Play for Advice On Lying
Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast, featuring psychologist Paul Ekman aka "the human lie detector" shares why people lie and how to tell if someone is lying. Click below to listen now.
People choose to lie for many underlying reasons. Their reasons for lying may be well-intentioned and benign—or they could be deliberate attempts to cause pain. Reasons for lying might include:
•Avoiding conflict, embarrassment, or having to face the consequences of their behavior
•Fear of rejection or losing their spouse
•Hiding something they did or did not do
•Maintaining control of a situation
•Making themselves look good, or more successful, special, or talented than they really are
While it can be helpful to know some of the typical signs of lying, it's also easy to misunderstand such behaviors. In fact, one study found that people were only able to accurately detect lying 54% of the time in a lab setting. So, while you may believe someone is lying, it can be difficult to know for sure.
Detecting a lie is not always as easy or straightforward as noticing unusual body language or behavior. However, the following are signs that could possibly be present if someone isn't telling the truth or they are withholding information:
•Avoiding eye contact
•Being vague, or offering few details
•Body language that is contradictory (such as saying "no" but nodding their head up and down)
•Body language that is unusual (like fidgeting, rigidity, rubbing brow, playing with hair, or slouching)
Some lies may seem harmless, and the occasional lie is probably inevitable (especially in the case of white lies or lies of omission). But even little, infrequent lies can add up to distrust and other relationship problems, including:
•Decreased trust: If your partner keeps telling lies, it can have a direct impact on trust. The more lies they tell, the less you trust them or have faith in their honesty.
•Diminished compassion and empathy: Lying makes it harder to detect someone's emotions, which in turn, can diminish the compassion and empathy you feel toward that person.
•Lower intimacy: Intimacy requires emotional vulnerability, which can become nearly impossible without a foundation of trust and honesty.
If you suspect that there is deception in your relationship, there are steps you can take to respond with compassion for both your partner and yourself.
•Rely on your instincts. You can't always detect when someone is a liar in a relationship, but it's important to trust your intuition. Your gut reaction may be more accurate than trying to identify stereotypical behaviors often associated with lying such as fidgeting and lack of eye contact.
•Set healthy expectations for honesty. For example, expecting your partner to tell you exactly where they are and what they are doing at every minute of the day is an unreasonable request. But expecting honesty about their plans when they leave the house or when you periodically check-in is usually reasonable.
•Pause to think before responding to what your partner is telling you. When your partner is relaying what you think to be a lie, take a brief moment before you answer. Use the time to process any of their lying patterns and keep yourself from responding impulsively.
Some experts believe that the sooner the cards are all out on the table, and the sooner honesty is lived out once again in a partnership, the better.
However, you may also consider waiting until you have uncovered more information and facts before confronting your spouse with your suspicions. Only you know what is most comfortable for you and what is best for your specific situation—including the potential consequences of the accusation and confrontation.
Whether or not you forgive your partner for lying is a highly personal choice that may depend on your partner's past pattern of behavior as well as how much harm was caused by their lie. Similarly, only you can decide how much lying is acceptable in your relationship. Certainly, it is more difficult to forgive a partner for infidelity than it is for lying about going to happy hour with co-workers.
Keep in mind, however, that holding a grudge can chip away at your well-being and relationship, so do your best to communicate your hurt. Forgiving your spouse or partner doesn't mean that you condone the lying or hurtful behavior.
If you are struggling with problems caused by lying in a relationship, consider marriage counseling. Even if your partner won't go with you, talking to a marriage or couple's counselor can help you come to terms with the lying and help you let go and forgive so you can move on.
The 10 Best Online Couples Therapy and Counseling Services We Tried and Tested in 2024
A small amount of lying is common in romantic relationships. For instance, your partner might leave out details about a past relationship. Or, when you ask them if they are attracted to someone, they may say "no" even when they really are. It's not unusual for people to downplay certain things in order to keep peace in their relationships.
What's important is that you and your partner are on the same page about what constitutes a damaging lie. One study found that people are likely to project their own beliefs onto their romantic partners. So, it's important to take some to reflect on what your boundaries are when it comes to misinformation in your relationship.
Once you know your own boundaries, talk about them with your partner. Do you both agree on what it means to deceive the other? What information is non-negotiable? What is unacceptable to be dishonest about?
It might be time for the relationship to end if you and your partner don't agree on the type of information that is necessary to share honestly with one another.
You may also ask yourself: Am I giving my partner enough space to share information with me? If they try to be truthful with you, but you criticize or reject them, you might be making it harder for them to share things in the future.
When you set boundaries in relationships, it's important to set consequences. If your partner has continuously lied to you, let them know that you'll find it difficult to remain in a relationship with them if they continue this behavior. If they continue lying, it's important to follow through on the consequence.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I learn to trust my spouse after they lied to me? Rebuilding trust and getting your relationship back on track often starts with being honest about the underlying cause of the betrayal and committing to forgiving your partner. But it also requires effort on your partner's part to show a willingness to take responsibility for the lies and make an effort to change their behavior. Is lying a type of abuse? It depends on why and how your spouse is lying. People who engage in emotional abuse often lie as a way to control and manipulate their partner. For example, lying is often a big part of gaslighting, which is a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships. What should I do if my spouse accuses me of lying? If the accusation is false, you may want to consider why your spouse suspects you of lying. Are they insecure in your relationship? Has your level of intimacy changed recently? Are they gaslighting you, or cheating themselves? Figuring out the why can help guide you to decide what to do next. How do you recognize deception? Recognizing deception often involves looking at patterns of behavior and trusting your instincts. Some signs of deception can include avoiding eye contact, making vague statements, nervous body language, and changes in tone of voice. How do you tell if someone is lying about cheating on you? Signs that your partner might be lying about cheating include changes in their behavior, changes in communication, less time spent at home, avoiding you, acting indifferent toward you, changes in your sex life, and increased technology use. Learn More: 11 Signs of Cheating By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book.
- Sheri Stritof
- Recognizing The Signs of a 'Marriage of Lies' Knowing is half the battle. Before one can address the issue, they must first recognize the signs of deception in their relationship.
- Understanding The Root Causes. Why do spouses lie? To address deception, one must first understand its root causes. Fear of Confrontation: Many lie to avoid confrontations, thinking it's easier to hide the truth than face the consequences.
- Navigating the Aftermath. Discovering a lie can be a traumatic experience. How you react and navigate the aftermath can set the course for your relationship's future.
- Rebuilding Trust in a 'Marriage of Lies' Trust, once broken, takes time and effort to rebuild. But with commitment and understanding, couples can find their way back to each other.
Nov 28, 2023 · In this article, we explore what deception could look like in relationships, why people do it, how it can erode trust, and how to rebuild the relationship.
Jan 11, 2024 · Detecting lies in a marriage involves noticing subtle behavioral changes, inconsistencies in stories, and non-verbal cues. Understanding the reasons behind lying is key, ranging from avoiding conflict to underlying personal issues.
Sep 22, 2023 · The number one point is lying in a marriage. What lies do to a marriage doesn’t just stop at not talking about our feelings. It also includes hiding the bad things about ourselves. Then, the more we cover up and create lies to make up for our weaknesses, the more we lose touch with who we are.
Jan 7, 2016 · If a marriage is demanding and authoritative, fear of judgment or anger for everything from going out with friends to spending too much on groceries may be kept secret.
