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Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy ...
- The Employment Turnover of the Credits. “We apologize again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.”
- Weight Ratios and the Humble Swallow. “Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?” – Soldier. One of Monty Python’s calling card joke constructions is presenting an absurdity and then allowing a few characters to nitpick it to death with over-informed logic.
- Bring Out Your Dead. “I’m not dead” – Carried Man. Often misremembered as “I’m not quite dead” or “I’m not dead yet,” the old man protesting his placement on the plague cart is a deliciously dark joke done with great sincerity.
- Debating Government with the Common Folk. “Well, I didn’t vote for you.” – Peasant Woman to King Arthur. Is England a monarchy? A dictatorship? An autonomous collective?
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch quotes. View Quote Lancelot: We have the Holy Hand Grenade. Arthur: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
- Coconuts
- Bring Out Your Dead
- Must Be A King
- A Self-Perpetuating Autocracy
- The Black Knight
- Turned Me Into A Newt
- French Taunts
- Knights Who Say Ni
- It's A Silly Place
- Three Questions
Guard: Halt! Who goes there?King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!Guard: Pull the other one!King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord a...Guard: What? Ridden on a horse?King Arthur: Yes!Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead![A large man appears with a (seemingly) dead man over his shoulder]Large Man: Here's one.Dead Collector: Nine pence."Dead" Man: I'm not dead.Dead Collector: What?[Arthur and Patsy "ride" through the village]Large Man: Who's that then?Dead Collector: I dunno. Must be a king.Large Man: Why?Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.King Arthur: Old woman! Dennis: Man. King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? Dennis: I'm 37. King Arthur: What? Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old. King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man". Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis". King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis. Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, ...
[King Arthur and Patsy have just witnessed a black knight defeat a green one and approach the victor]King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir Knight. [The Black Knight looks at him in Silence] I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [The Black Knight doesn't respond as Arthur looks at P...Black Knight: None shall pass.King Arthur: What?Black Knight: None shall pass!King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you good Sir Knight, But I must cross this bridge.Bedevere: How do you know she is a witch?Peasant: She looks like one.[Crowd indistinctly shouts]Bedevere: Bring her forward!Girl: I'm not a witch.Bedevere: But you are dressed as one...Frenchman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n...Sir Galahad: What a strange person.King Arthur: Now, look here, my good man--Frenchman: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?Frenchman: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!Head Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!King Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--Knights who say Ni: NI! NI! NI! NI!King Arthur: Oh, ow!Head Knight: We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us.King Arthur: Well, what do you want?Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege! [trumpets blare to a shot of a castle]King Arthur: [awed]Camelot!Sir Galahad: Camelot!Sir Lancelot: Camelot!Patsy: It's only a model.King Arthur: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot![The knights look onward as Sir Lancelot steps forward to the Bridge keeper from Scene 24]Bridgekeeper:Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.Sir Lancelot:Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.Bridgekeeper:What... is your name?Sir Lancelot:My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.Bridgekeeper:What... is your quest?- Carol Cleveland Neil Innes
- Flying Circus Fliegender Zirkus Personal Best
Monty Python and the Holy Grail: Directed by Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones. With Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam. King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table embark on a surreal, low-budget search for the Holy Grail, encountering many, very silly obstacles.
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch was a weapon in Brother Maynard's keeping. According to the Book of Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one, it was consecrated by Saint Attila. The scriptural account read by Brother Maynard's Brother (played by Michael Palin) in the Book of Armaments: "And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand ...
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View Quote Lancelot: We have the Holy Hand Grenade. Arthur: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! Monks: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
