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- The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin. Funny, Im Sorry, Heart.
- I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer. Demetri Martin. Thinking, Invention, All Time.
- I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. Demetri Martin. Funny, Sports, Humor.
- I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep. Demetri Martin. Sleep, Pockets, Pairs.
Find and share the best quotes by Demetri Martin, an American comedian and writer. Browse his humorous observations on topics such as life, love, humor, and more.
- “I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.”
- “Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything.
- “I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry.
- “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.” ― Demetri Martin.
A collection of quotes by Demetri Martin on life, humor, music, writing, comedians, funny, ironic, fly, art, glitter, crafts, enigma, mystery and relationships.
- Food
- Word Play
- Birthdays
- Everything Else
- GeneratedCaptionsTabForHeroSec
"If you have a pear-shaped body, you should not wear pear-colored clothes or act juicy." "My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, 'That burrito did not agree with me.' I was like, 'Was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.' 'I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, 'I wanna go out...
"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries."' "I think it's interesting that '...
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it." "It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word 'Happy'... sarcastic birthday, do...
"I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did." "Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the...
Enjoy the witty and clever humor of comedian Demetri Martin on topics such as food, word play, birthdays, and more. Read his hilarious one-liners and anecdotes that will make you laugh out loud.
- Simran Khurana
Dec 12, 2022 · “A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. “‘Dude, make a left.’. “‘Those are trees.’. “‘Trust me.’” 12 On Video Games. “I like video games, but they’re really violent. I want to design a video game where you have to take care of all the people who’ve been shot in all the other games.
Oct 19, 2023 · Vote for the funniest Demetri Martin quotes from his comedy specials and stand-up routines. See examples of his witty and clever humor on various topics, such as batteries, swimming pools, and statues.
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