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Discover your love language and strengthen your relationships with The 5 Love Languages®. Find books, quizzes, podcasts, events, and more to help you connect with your loved ones.
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- Overview
- What is a love language, exactly?
- What are the different types of love languages?
- Words of affirmation as a love language
- Quality time as a love language
- Physical touch as a love language
- Acts of service as a love language
- Receiving gifts as a love language
- Love language criticisms to consider
- The bottom line
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Learning the love languages of you and your partner can be a great way to create meaningful connections between you.
Do you have a friend who says they’d take a clean kitchen over flowers any day when you’d prefer a little romance? That right there is a basic example of different love languages.
We all express and receive love differently and those differences could be the reason why feelings and good intentions sometimes get lost in translation.
For example, you spend weeks trying to find a partner the most amazing gift ever, but come their birthday they respond with “I would’ve been happy just ordering in and then snuggling up on the couch together.”
It’s not necessarily that they’re ungrateful or that you messed up. They just communicate their love differently — or have a different love language.
There are five love languages as first introduced in 1992 by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The 5 Love Languages.”
The five love languages are:
1.Words of affirmation
2.Quality time
3.Physical touch
4.Acts of service
The first love language is words of affirmation, and it’s all about expressing affection and appreciation through words, be it spoken, written, in texts, or all of the above.
This may be one of your love languages if you thrive on:
•being told that you’re appreciated
•hearing “I love you” often
•receiving words of encouragement
The key to using words of affirmation is to be your authentic self and express them often. If you have trouble expressing yourself out loud, write a note or send a text. What matters is that you acknowledge them through words.
Quality time is the second love language and it’s precisely what you think: appreciating spending quality time together.
A person whose love language is quality time may feel most loved and appreciated when people they care about make time to be together and give their undivided attention.
Quality time may be one of your love languages if:
•You feel disconnected when you don’t spend enough time with a partner.
•Not spending enough time with your partner(s) affects your libido.
•You work hard at making time to spend with others.
Physical touch is the third love language. Let’s be clear that this is appropriate, consensual physical touch, which looks different depending on the situation and the type of relationship you have with the person.
For people whose love language is physical touch, expressing and receiving love through physical contact is important. Touch is the way they connect and feel connected with others.
Physical contact might be your love language if:
•You feel lonely or disconnected when you don’t get physical affection from your partner(s).
•You feel especially loved when a partner randomly kisses you or holds you.
•You consider yourself a “touchy-feely” person and enjoy PDA.
Acts of service is the fourth love language, and this one will resonate if you believe with your heart of hearts that actions always speak louder than words.
By actions, this means doing selfless, thoughtful things for the other person. Remember that these don’t need to be romantic in nature; friends and family relationships can benefit from these acts, too.
These are some signs that acts of service may be your love language:
•You’re over the moon when a partner helps you with a chore without having to be asked.
•You’re the person who shows up for a friend having a bad day.
•You’re always ready to jump in and do things for the people you care about.
Receiving gifts is the final love language. It needs to be said that this love language is not reserved for the greedy or so-called “gold diggers.”
For someone whose love language is gifts, it goes way beyond just wanting stuff. For this person, it’s all about the meaning behind the gift and the thought that went into it. No diamonds or luxury cars are required.
Signs that receiving gifts is your love language:
•When it comes to gift-giving, you put in the time to choose the most thoughtful gift.
•You treasure everything a partner gives you, no matter how small.
•You’re hurt when someone you love doesn’t commemorate an event with a thoughtful token.
The five love languages provide a great framework for understanding your relationship(s) and each other, but they don’t necessarily represent exactly how everyone wants to give and show love.
Chances are that you resonate strongly with more than one of the love languages and your partner(s) and other loved ones do, too.
Gender and cultural norms have also shifted quite a bit since the love languages were first introduced, and how we express love and how we want to be loved has shifted right alongside.
While we all have our own ways of expressing love, they don’t necessarily fit neatly into one of the five presets laid out in a time when women were historically more likely to serve and men were better equipped — financially speaking — to give gifts.
If you’re looking for better understanding and communication in a relationship, the original love languages can be a good start, but there are other tools you can use.
A survey by Truity, a company offering personality tests, recently shared their finding of seven love styles based on a survey of over 500,000 people. Consider it an updated framework of the original love languages, plus two extras. You can fill out their online quiz to figure out your styles.
Everyone has a different way of communicating their love. While you shouldn’t take it as gospel, the love languages could be a helpful starting point on your way to understanding each other better.
Adrienne Santos-Longhurst is a Canada-based freelance writer and author who has written extensively on all things health and lifestyle for more than a decade. When she’s not holed-up in her writing shed researching an article or off interviewing health professionals, she can be found frolicking around her beach town with husband and dogs in tow or splashing about the lake trying to master the stand-up paddle board.
Learn about the five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Find out how to identify your own and your partner's love language and how to express love in meaningful ways.
- Adrienne Santos-Longhurst
- Words of affirmation. Those of us whose love language is words of affirmation prize verbal connection. They want to hear you say precisely what you appreciate or admire about them.
- Acts of service. Some of us feel most loved when others lend a helping hand or do something kind for us. A friend of mine is currently going through chemotherapy and radiation, putting her at high risk for COVID-19 and other infections.
- Gifts. Those of us whose love language is gifts aren’t necessarily materialistic. Instead, their tanks are filled when someone presents them with a specific thing, tangible or intangible, that helps them feel special.
- Quality time. Having another person’s undivided, dedicated attention is precious currency for the people whose love language is quality time.
- Words of affirmation. Ask yourself, how do you feel when you hear your partner offer encouraging, positive, and affirming words, and compliments?
- Acts of service. Ask yourself, how do you feel when your partner helps you with tasks that reduce your burden or ease your stress? Examples: Your partner does a chore for you, runs an errand for you, or takes care of something without having to be asked?
- Receiving gifts. Ask yourself, how do you feel when your partner gets you thoughtful or extravagant gifts? Examples: You get a gift or a small treat from your partner that tells you he/she was thinking about you.
- Quality time. Ask yourself, how do you feel when your partner gives you their undivided attention and you engage in meaningful conversation or activities?
Feb 5, 2024 · Learn about the five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship, according to author and pastor Gary Chapman. Take a quiz to find out your love language and how to use it to strengthen your bond with your partner.
- Sherri Gordon
May 7, 2024 · Learn about the five different ways of expressing and receiving love, based on Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages. Find out your primary love language and how to use it in your relationships with this quiz and expert advice.
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